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The author of this article has decided that Horatio Hexodescriptive is too much of a special snowflake for the established canon ever to contain it, and thus have blatantly disregarded it.


This article, Horatio Hexodescriptive, is still being written by its owner Cerebral plague. They apologise for the inconvenience.

I am the greatest hero in human history, but it's not enough. I may preserve the timeline, but there are existential threats that are so far outside our wheelhouse we haven't even begun to think of how we're going to save ourselves, if we even can. Take dark matter for instance, it makes up a majority of the content for the entire universe, what if it has an agenda? Spoiler alert: it does.


Horatio, known to the world as the Triple Platinum A+ hacker 1337PU55Y5L4Y3R, is the guardian of the space-time continuum. He is the creator and operator of the ORLOCK supercomputer: a quantum-cyborg computer comprised of a triad of linked, comatose Time Elementals. He utilizes ORLOCK to wage a secret war against the TIME SLIMERS.

History this some kind of cruel joke?

–Momma Hexodescreptive

Born in Spain to a burgeoning mega-celebrity power couple, Horatio's life was off to a deceptively poor start. Immediately after his birth, his grotesque and decidely ugly baby nature lead his mother, a uber-popular pop musician, to feint upon seeing him. After being analysed by state of the art medical equipment, the newly birthed Horatio was deemed to have carried 0 positive qualities of his mother and father, and was doomed to a life lacking a strong physique, hit inducing voice, model looks, or star soccer player ability.

His parents, in secret, had the child shipped to a orphanage within the Sector XI Central American Zone, and claimed a miscarriage to the general public. They garnered an insane amount of sympathy and with their uber-celebrity status a holiday was dedicated to the loss of a young Fulvous Xanadu-Falvu, and the entire world would weep at the possibilities that would have risen from the child of the worlds greatest soccer player and neoelectronicpop musician every April 20th.

Unbeknownst to the general public however, a young newly named Horatio Hexodescriptive would be raised within an orphanage in the slums of the nation of El-Salvador. From an early age he was bullied harshly for a conglomeration of his stature, stutter, weight, lisp, acne, physical incapability, lack of intelligence, poor manners, and lactose intolerance. However, Horatio would take solace within the many broken down electronics found within the city's dump that the orphan children would frolic in, and while the rest of the children were busy pelting Horatio with rocks and denying him from games of chase the roborat, Horatio was learning.

While he lacked skill in almost every concievable facet of human existance, from a young age, Horatio had a knack with technology.

Teenage Years

Nice shoes, where'd you get them, the neerddddddd store?

–Generic Bully

As Horatio got older, his former dreams of adoption grew to a impossibility. No one was hankering for a young unfunny uglier Chris Farley impersonator it seemed, and as he reached his teenage years, he gave up hope of adoption. Meanwhile, he focused on technology ten-fold. He created a working super computer out of an iWatch and a N-Gage by the time he was 13. Prior to that he had surpassed Big-Blue and genius'd a program that solved the game of chess on a device powered by a macintosh apple. This was destroyed moments later by Horatio's most persistant and promiscuous bully, an older boy who cross-dressed in his spare time.

Disaster struck once again, as at the annual Orphanage Halloween party, Horatio struck up the courage to ask his biggest crush to dance. Horatio had spent weeks working on his mst3k Crow T. Robot cosplay, hoping this would be the perfect oppurtunity. He was only crushed once more when he realized that it was indeed just his relentless bully, dressing up in a dress for halloween.

That night Horatio was beaten severely, and as he had yet to hit even the slightest hint of puberty by 14, was hopelessly out matched in terms of strength, and as he would later find out much to his sheer nerve stricken terror, genital size. While this incident was mind numbingly horrific, the silver lining of the cloud was that his notoriously intense bully was removed from the orphanage early as a result. However, much to Hexodescriptive's dismay, the vast majority of the orphanage was against this decesion, and blamed Horatio's extremely provocative and revealing cosplay. This act of victim blaming was the final straw, and Horatio withdrew entirely from public life at the orphanage.

Months later, he was kicked out in mid-January when it was discovered that Horatio had set up cameras in the female showers of the orphanage, all directly feeding to his Sony PSP. This in turn lead to a near lynch mob, however Horatio was reluctantly saved by the Orphanage owner, who in turn threw him out on the street.

Bright Lights, Dark Times

Horatio, with no marketable skills other than an affinity for technology in a third world country, and social abilities so poor that a five sentance conversation would induce a anxiety attack, starved on the streets of his city for weeks. Unable to return to the orphanage, and unable to provide a living for himself, he wandered the streets in the day and made haphazard attempts to charge his PSP so he could watch vintage furrotica in the nights.

Luckily for himself, his overt obesity allowed for him to live far longer than was accepted of human beings with no food. On his last legs, he was finally noticed by his bully of yesteryear in an alleyway one morning. So desperate in his lonelyless, rather than coil away from his savage attacker, he instead took his hand, and was told by his bully that he would be able to work alongside him in his new profession.

That profession was prostitution.

Introduced to a madame with a savy eye for marketing and a in on the more niche fetish's found within South America, even then it was extremely hard to find a client for Horatio. He wents years without a single offer, instead making his living by sweeping floors and washing dishes, while reluctantly restocking the place. Technology was banned within the brothel, as to not encourage solicitors from stealing, and as such a severe case of technology blueballs effected Horatio, that no amount of saved up change handies or sweet Chip and Dale Rescue Ranger Rule 34 could release.


I just hacked his Google Glass and made it opaque. Never saw it coming, literally.


As a triple platinum A+ hacker, Horatio can use his Windows 8 tablet to seize control of any computerized system on Earth. He uses these hacked systems as his eyes and ears, giving him unsurpassed access to information. He can also cause anything he has hacked to violently explode, he uses this ability wisely in the defense of Earth and the time-space continuum. He also uses these powers unwisely, to kill anyone who rustles him.



Special mention must be made of ORLOCK, the cybernetic quantum supercomputer. The three comatose Time Elementals have been BRAIN HACKED, allowing Horatio to use their powers as a gestalt entity. With this power, he can go back in time to any conversation he previously had and use that really good comeback he thought of later.


Horatio is actually a husky neckbeard with lax hygiene, but he conceals his appearance behind a proxy which makes him look like The Breakfast Club-era Judd Nelson.


Because Horatio has an infinite number of chances to make a first impression, he can eventually tailor a conversation that would lead anyone to be his friend. So armed, he has not made any allies. He is completely without friends. He does have any number of bitches though.


Besides jealous intelligence agencies who crave his power and knowledge, Horatio is opposed by the TIME SLIMERS. The TIME SLIMERS are nefarious beings who wish to upset the timeline by secretly fathering every prominent person in history. Horatio plays the role of Chronal-Cupid, correcting the timeline by intercepting the TIME SLIMERS and ensuring that historically accurate hookups take place.

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