This article, Admint Toll, is still being written by its owner Lither. They apologise for the inconvenience.
Sketched portrait of Ex-Presidente Admint Toll, wearing some of his medals
|Aliases||Dear Leader, Beloved One, His Holiness, His Majesty, El Presidente|
|Language(s)||Spanish, Nuevoyestúpidoespañol, Portuguese, English|
|Role(s)||Presidente of Sector XI|
|Nationality||Cuban (officially), North American (by birth)|
|Gender||Probably Almost Certainly Male But With A Margin Of Error|
|Born||4th August 2052|
|Weight||Less than a blue whale. Not much less, mind.|
|Years of Service||54|
|“||When witchcraft is finally expelled from our glorious empire we shall all have food!||”|
–Admint Toll to an angry mob attempting to lynch him. It worked.
Presidente Admint Toll was the founder of Sector XI and the first Presidente as well as the first - and only - rocket lawnmower drifting champion. His reign was marked with controversy, particularly over his ultraconservative Thatcherite policies, however he is considered the national hero and founding father. Some facts were distorted by the XI government and his detractors.
Admint Toll current holds the world record for longest speech at an international meeting, at eighty-three hours, seventeen minutes and twelve seconds at a meeting for international peace before the North American delegation exclaimed loudly his amazement at how full of crap Toll was before breaking his jaw with a small dog. Reportedly, the speech wasn't even half finished.
He has adminted before that he is still afraid of Fidel Castro, citing the abhorrent failure of the CIA to kill him as evidence that Castro is an immortal demon.
|“||My family history is one of an impeccable struggle against the Husless commies.||”|
–Admint Toll, not knowing about his uncle.
|“||We don't need funding for huge space research telescopes. Anyone can just set up a telescope in their backyard and it was good enough for the great Central American thinker Galileo.||”|
–Admint Toll when defunding and privatising the Central American National Space Agency.
Admint Toll's official history is that he was born in the Republic of Cuba on the 4th of August, 2052. His family were hunted for counterrevolutionary activity, and to escape it they fled into Mexico. There he lived a poor life of a refugee until he turned eighteen and joined the Mexican Army. He climbed the ranks quickly due to his extreme competence, reaching the honoured post of General Secretario de la Defensa Nacional, whereupon he launched a US-backed military coup d'etat.
In reality, he was born in Kentucky, USA. Raised in an upper middle class family who gained their wealth upon investment banking, he from youth was raised with wealth and ideas of inherent superiority, which some commentators have noted as having fostered a racist streak and a desire to rule. Fleeing his home after being caught molesting his younger sister and sixteen under aged cousins at age 18, he fled south until he reached Mexico and lied about being a refugee to receive asylum. Studying at the National Autonomous University of Mexico, he was contacted by the CIA. They enabled him to reach a powerful military career and eventually launch a CIA-backed coup. He declared himself President of Mexico.
As President of Mexico, he launched an invasion of Cuba, taking over the state after an extremely drawn-out and bloody series of wars. Afterwards, and with continued US backing, he invaded and formed the zone known as the Central American Zone, ruling it over as an absolute dictator. To secure his power, he held a single election, where he received only 3% of the votes. To keep his reign legitimate, he quietly stuffed the ballot by having every single dead or unable to vote Central American on record (dating as far back to the very earliest colonial records) vote for him, in addition to many people made up on the spot. He won a landslide and set a world record for the most rigged election in the history of humanity. The part where fifty billion votes were cast for him attracted international attention, the first of many times Admint Toll's behaviour would earn a place in headlines of the world.
His economic mismanagement caused Sector XI to enter a sharp recession, to which he followed with increasingly severe austerity attemts, which only widened the rich-poor gap. During that time, an angry and starving mob overwhelmed his personal guard and took him to the streets with the intent of lynching him. In desperation, Admint Toll declared that Husless communist witches were subverting the food supply and eating away at the economy. The crowd gave him a second chance, which he responded with his own witch hunt that killed an estimated twelve thousand and one young goat that was attached to the roof through sorcerous means. Attempting to rapidly rectify the economy, he sold every single share in all state-owned enterprises to private investors, which caused the remnant of the economy to collapse and create most of the XI that is known today. Strangely, the state did not receive any extra money from the vast selloffs, which some have accused Admint Toll's Swiss bank account for being responsible.
Almost yearly famines marked his regime, with only the truly rich able to secure a steady source of food, mostly imported. To combat this, he declared that the 31st of October would be "hunting day", a public holiday where all citizens were encouraged to hunt out crop pests. While the list included genuine threats to agriculture, hunting vampires (who were accused of sucking the life from cattle), ghouls (who were accused of making farmers sick), zombies (accused of eating farm animals) and witches (accused of blighting fields) took up the majority of propaganda efforts and caused a great deal of civilian deaths by staking, traumatic brain injury or burning. Infamously, one night the violence got to be so severe that the army had to be deployed to stop the mobs of farmers.
As a propaganda artist, his skills were somewhat inadequate, with his only truly successful propaganda being a dire threat that he was the only thing standing between Central America and lawless anarchy. The wide success of this dire threat enabled him to get away with things that would have topples other dictators, however when people began to decide that lawless anarchy was a better bet than another year of Toll, he suffered 224 assassination attempts before the penultimate one succeeded.
A persistent rumour states that Toll faked his death to hide on the moon. Most people of sane thought reject this idea.
|“||I'll be long gone by the time people work out why I did half of what I did.||”|
|“||I can't see why scientists keep complaining about splitting the atom. Atoms are tiny, and everyone knows tiny things are easy to split. It'd be much more impressive if they split the backs of every Husless communist in the world.||”|
–Admint Toll while defunding nuclear research
His career has been marred by unusual and most certainly unorthodox political decrees that earned him no favours.
- Forbid moustaches larger or more stylish than his. Violators would be clean shaven and fined.
- Required to have any displays of religious figures visually identical to Admint Toll, or risk being demolished. (Note: After this law, churches began to display devil-type figures with increasing frequency)
- Barred the sales of arms to rogue states, evidently patently unaware of the reality of his own sector. Violaters risked having whatever they were selling being used upon them.
- Banned the use of devices that change a recorded voice to combat overuse in the entertainment industry.
- Criminalised imports that come from foreign countries. This lasted three weeks before economic reality forced a repeal.
- Enslaved all immigrants including refugees, however immigrants that lied about being refugees were granted asylum for being "cunning bastards".
- Banned smoking tobacco due to finding the odour unappealing despite marijuana being legal. For unrelated reasons, Central America has the highest rate of marijuana smoking in the world.
- Outlawed all bikie gangs except ones that ran childcare programs.
- Outlawed motorbikes after the previous outlaw proved ineffective.
- Allowed drunk drivers to avoid penalties if they were willing to share their drink with the police.
- Criminalised North American entertainment due to fears of cultural imperialism.
- Banished monkeys, goats and rubber bands from Mexico City after a diplomatic incident with the North American zone.
- Required all public places to have a statue, plaque or some other monument praising his deeds.
- Required all teachers to point RPGs at the class in preparation for a school shooting and to enforce discipline.
- Required all bicycles to be propelled by rocket engines to increase noise.
- Outlawed warfare. To this day, Central America has never officially been involved in any wars, just "highly elevated police actions" including the deployment of nuclear weaponry to "aid in the stabilisation of policed areas". For this, he received international accreditation and prizes for dedication to peace.
|“||I want to say one thing to the Central American people. I want you to listen to me. I'm going to say this again: I did not have sexual relations with that woman.||”|
–Admint Toll during a conference.
Admint Toll has claimed throughout his entire life to be incapable of sexual intercourse, who gets people pregnant with his mind. Numerous prostitution services within Central America would disagree.
|“||It's not a subversive cult, it's a legitimate scam.||”|
–Admint Toll when members of his government asked him about his growing cult of personality.
|“||Let us hug the poor and hungry children of the world with our nuclear arms.||”|
–Admint Toll before an international meeting on poverty.
|“||I just got a great idea for an anti-bird weapon.||”|
–Admint Toll looking at an experimental fast breeder reactor.
|“||I hope that one day we can make the Ilhadeflutuar larger than Central America itself, a true military powerhouse.||”|
|“||Fiscal responsibility is best managed through uncontrolled spending.||”|
–Admint Toll unveiling the 600,000th bank
|“||I have a new plan to help poor people along.||”|
–Admint Toll reinstating conscription.
|“||They should pay me to be here.||”|
–Admint Toll inside a fancy American restaurant before refusing to pay and sparking a diplomatic incident. Again.
|“||The head of state does not need to worry about petty things like the budget.||”|
|“||Crime is a sort of economy.||”|
|“||Nothing personal, I just hate the Scots.||”|
–Admint Toll, noted racist.
|“||A victory built on millions dead does too still qualify as a victory.||”|
–Ex-Presidente Admint Toll
|“||How many million KIA letters is the current estimate?||”|
–Admint Toll in preparation for the Congolese Offensively Assisted Liberation.
|“||No, I never studied rocketry. What gave it away?||”|
|“||The old futurists are today's present-ists.||”|
|“||There's not a problem in the world that cannot be solved with near-suicidal application of rockets.||”|
|“||It's nice, but does it have rockets on it?||”|
–Toll confronted with a new wonderweapon design.
|“||Every step of the plan failing does not by nature include the plan itself failing.||”|
–Toll defending his failed projects.
|“||Central America is a military superpower entirely by its own merit. Every war we've fought we won by ourselves, and every war we need to fight we'll win alone.||”|
|“||The Dachshund Interceptor was invented in Mexico by a team of highly trained and well-equipped Central American scientists.||”|
–Toll retaining the honesty he is famous for.
|“||Central America does not believe in imports from Europe.||”|
–Toll in a televised broadcast in Panama unaware that a European trading vessel was docking.
|“||It's not about fixing our problems, it's about spending our money||”|
–Toll on budgetary issues.
|“||Extra-legal means even more legal than usual.||”|
|“||Imperialists have often appealed to our rationality, our common sense, our basic wisdom. This has allowed them an easy path to justifying their oppression and exploitation of peoples around the world. We reject imperialism and all its trappings. Therefore, to create a truly anti-imperialist society, we must build a society with no attachment to rationality, common sense or basic wisdom.||”|
–Admint Toll, when queried about New Spanish.
|“||Have I ever mentioned that I'm a hypocritical elitist?||”|
–Admint Toll to an American President.
|“||Right, how did these mechs end up inside the castle?||”|
–Admint Toll after causing a diplomatic incident in Bavaria
|“||I'm just saying, I'm the Head of State with the not-bad looking cousins.||”|
–Admint Toll to an angry mob. It worked.
|“||Моё судно на воздушной подушке полно угрей!||”|
– Adming Toll repeating what von Austerlitz told him to say to a European diplomat during negotiations, sparking one more diplomatic incident.
|“||I've always been of the belief that the incorruptible have no place in politics or economics.||”|
–Admint Toll, unaware that a camera was live broadcasting.
|“||A racist wanker who can't run a country.||”|
|“||A true inspiration and a fine leader of men.||”|
|“||You'll be immortalized in history alongside the likes of David Kelly and Admint Toll!||”|
|“||Toll did more in one decade to aid my cause in Central America than I could have hoped to achieve in a lifetime.||”|
|“||A deluded lunatic that somehow ended up in charge of a Central America state. I'm not saying that history is repeated itself, but it sure did rhyme.||”|
|“||Damn whoever thought it was a good idea to install him.||”|
–One American President.
|“|| We need more farmers to stop the latest famine. But where can they come from?"|
"May I take this time to remind you that our military makes up nearly half our population?"
"Yes, but we need those soldiers defending us from the North Americans and the Husless Commies."
"The North Americans are only a problem because you keep pissing them off, and the Husless Commies are only a problem because you keep trying to invade them.
"Which is precisely why we need the large military; to win.
–Toll and an unnamed and a rare - and short lived - advisor with spine.